


Shadows

by VerneToshiharu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide, Yaoi (boyxboy), selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8270462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerneToshiharu/pseuds/VerneToshiharu
Summary: Eren is being forgoten by everyone, even by Mikasa, after finally getting rid of the titans. He locks himself in his room trying to commit suicide several times. Fortunately he's saved by his lover from the past, Levi. But will it last long?





	1. Returning the past

I sat in my dark room isolated from other people. It became my daily basis as there was no one who would want to talk with me. Since the day Survey Corps learned the truth about the titans, everyone suddenly turned their backs on me. I had no idea what was going on, yet I couldn't ask anyone. The feeling of being ignored slowly turned into a deep depression and before I realised, I imprisoned myself so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. There was no point in showing myself to the world anyway. Everyone thought I was a monster and hey, they were right! I was a titan shifter after all, a creature which had no reasons to be kept alive.

The lack of sleep and food weakened my body so much, that sometimes I had difficulties with breathing. I didn't mind though, it was nothing compared to the hate waiting on the other side of the door. There wasn't a single day I wouldn't try to destroy my body. Everyday I'd use my knife to scar the already torn skin. I loved carving new lines, words or symbols and watching as the red liquid slowly made its way out of the wound. It was the easiest way to get rid of the pain. It felt as if I was getting what I deserved. But it wasn't enough. I  _knew_ it wasn't enough yet I never brought myself to go any further.

xxxx

I hated myself for betraying the most important person I once used to love. But ever since the day we saved the humanity, my feelings for Eren were... gone. I still remember the nights we spent together. The details of every time we fucked. I still can hear his voice echoing in my ears, his moans as I thrusted deep into him. But I hated it. I hated not being able to forget when everyone around me did it so easily.

The feeling of guilt didn't leave me alone, instead, it only grew bigger and bigger, making me feel more anxious as the days passed. Finally, I brought myself to visit the boy and make sure he was okay. He didn't eat nor drink anything for more than five days, it was almost impossible for him to survive the next few days.

My heart beat faster as I was getting close to that one door in the hallway. There was no going back now. With a shaking hand I knocked on the wooden surface waiting for it to open. But just as I expected, there was absolutely no answer. Only after a closer listening for any sounds on the other side I heard a silent sobbing. My eyes went wide, right hand grabbed the handle pressing it down to let me in but the door was locked. "Eren?" My voice was shaky and definitely not confident but now that I knew he was crying I _had_ to see him… There was no answer though, "Eren are you there?" I tried once again.  
  
Of course, the answer was not sudden, but at least this time Eren finally decided to unlock the door. I sighed with relief – I didn’t know yet what I was about to see.

The door opened slightly, not wide enough to let me see the boy’s face though. He was standing right next to them blocking it with his foot to prevent me from walking in. It hurt. It hurt to see him rejecting me as if I was some kind of a stranger but I understood it perfectly… After all I wasn’t his anymore. And he was not mine.

‘’What do you want…’’ A shiver ran through my spine as Eren spoke. His voice was dull, emotionless even. It sounded as if someone took away all of the boy’s happiness and left only an empty body. But even in that hollow tone I still could hear his suffering and pain.

‘’I.. I wanna see you,’’ the words came out by themselves. I bit my lip stopping myself from saying anymore and instead I only clinched my fingers on the metal handle pushing it slightly to give him a sign I wanted to go in. ‘’please.’’

‘’There is nothing to look at.’’

‘’Just.. Just let me in.’’ I said with a sigh. No longer caring if I was welcomed or not I used all of my strength to open the only thing that separated me from Eren. To my surprise, the force with which he tried to resist was very weak so I didn’t have any problems with going in. But as soon as I saw a pale and bruised boy with wrists covered in blood, I nearly fell to my knees. ‘’No…’’ I whispered under my breath, eyes widening in shock.  
  
‘’Get out…’’ His voice was calm but when I looked into his eyes I could see how tears already began to flow down his face.

‘’Eren I’m.. I’m so sorry’’ My eyes started watering as well – knowing that I wasn’t looking at that cheerful boy from when I first met him broke my heart into million pieces. I could almost hear the sound of shattering glass inside me. Eren only lowered his head closing his eyes in pain.

‘’Just go.’’

Instead of listening to him though, I took one step towards him. Eren did not move so I just continued until I could finally wrap my arms around his shaking body. ‘’I’m so fucking sorry’’ I whispered bringing him closer me.

xxxx

I was broken. And if not those strong arms that were holding me, I would probably fall and never stand back up again. But I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand why he came back after abandoning me together with other members of Survey Corps. I wasn’t welcomed anymore so why would he waste his time visiting a monster?

With that question in mind I buried my face in his shirt sobbing quietly as I spoke. ‘’Why.. Why did you came back?’’ He did not answer at first, but then I finally heard his reply which almost stopped my heart from beating.

‘’Because I love you.’’

That was his response. A sentence which I last heard a very long time ago. Three words that meant more than this world to me…

"No one deserves this Eren. I'm not them, and I never wanted to be. So please give me one more chance." After those words, Levi wiped my tears off and gently grabbed my chin into his fingers. He leaned forwards closing a gap between our lips. It was a sorrowful kiss, full of pain and longing. But I didn’t mind. Levi was someone who I truly loved so no matter what happened I could still forgive him.

The kiss wasn’t long, but it was enough to bring me back the warmth I desperately needed. I looked into his eyes. He was caressing my cheek while smiling softly. And in a deep voice, a voice that only I could hear, he said "Eren I love you. And I won't leave you ever again, I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

Trusting someone who hurt you before is a task not many can easily achieve. Especially when a person who claimed to love you but left without a second thought comes back as if nothing ever happened. They try to pick up each piece that's been broken inside of you but the saying goes 'they didn't build Rome in one day' right?

Since that day, Levi came to my room every single day and spent every minute of his free time to take care of me and get my attention away from suicidal thoughts. I focused on him so much that  
I even managed to get clean again (or at least as clean as a heavily cut body can get) which he considered a huge success. I, on the other side, was still trying to get used to his face - being isolated for so long does its job. It felt as if I was looking at a stranger, a completely new person. But his voice sounded so familiar, so warm. I could melt into his sound and forget about all my problems and being forgotten by the whole world suddenly didn't matter anymore because I had him there with me.

**xxxx**

Levi started to sleep in my room, it became a habit now. He'd always finish his paper work, come to my room and stay there with me for the rest of the day. I didn't really like that though. Not because I hated his company, but because I felt like I was blocking him from enjoying life.

"What's up" Levi suddenly ripped me away from my thoughts. I watched as he sat on the bed next to me and began to stroke my hair. His hand moved through it so smoothly, I could almost melt into his touch; but instead I remained still. For a moment I just stared at him in silence trying to figure out how to start my sentence.

"Don't you hate being here with me?" I finally spoke watching as his smile turned into pure confusion.

"Wha- I.. I'd never-"

"I mean you sit here with me all day and night but... I feel like I'm stopping you from enjoying the world.. I feel like I imprisoned you here with me in this tiny room. Aren't I boring you?" I wouldn't be surprised if his answer was 'yes'. I mean who on earth would choose spending his whole day with an abandoned kid rather than enjoying the fresh breeze outside and the beautiful songs of the birds?

Levi was listening to me with a smirk on his face and a raised eyebrow. The kind of smile someone would make after hearing a joke they've already heard million times before.

"W-Why are you smiling?" I'd expect people to get angry at me for saying such ungrateful words so his reaction was a huge surprise to me. "It's not funny..."

"Cause you're being an idiot," was his simple answer. "What do you mean 'enjoy the world'? _You_ are my world Eren" After hearing this my head was cuffed in his hands and before I knew our lips were joined in a gentle kiss. It wasn't a make out session, just a small, simple kiss that was soon broken, but it was enough to make me feel better. The amount of affection I got from Levi in the last couple of days was incredibly unbelievable. I still tried to understand what I did to deserve him again but the thoughts were simply streaming down me like a water off duck's back.

**xxxx**

However, it all changed the next couple of days later. Levi stopped coming to my room, and even when he did, it was only for a few moments before rushing away saying he had 'something important to do'. I had completely no idea what was happening. Suddenly the loving kisses were replaced with quick and meaningless smooches on my cheek, the passionate confessions of how much I meant to him didn't even exist anymore. Was it my fault? It was definitely my fault. I didn't something again and now the only one I had left was slowly drifting away from me and of course all I could do was watch in silence because what could I do? The strong, stubborn Eren which I was known for before everyone forgot was not me anymore. I had no courage to ask what I have done wrong, because what if it was something I wouldn't be able to apologise for?

Soon enough the short visits transformed into a complete lack of them. There wasn't a day where I'd beat myself for it and before I realised I started destroying my body again. The knife making even deeper wounds than before. I sat there as blood ran down my wrist, eyes fixed on a red liquid and a small amount of steam that came with it. I let out a small laugh as tears started streaming down my face staining my cheeks and clothes. The knife was moving up my arm, each time cutting deeper and with more agression towards myself.   
And when the blade reached my neck - I closed my eyes. Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe friends, I love all of you <3


End file.
